Spectacular

I began to see the reality of my situation -

I'm here in body but my spirit is being called away.

For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of the glory...

Neverending

For a moment I hated my doctor today. I hated that he wouldn't tell me this was my last chemo dose, or even second to last. He told me he was encouraged, but he offered no words committing himself.

Maybe he was in a bad mood, maybe he was having an off day. Doesn't he know that I'm riding on his words, waiting for the one key sentence "You're done!"

How many longing eyes He must look into, those searching for the glimmer of hope that He bares.

Then I closed my eyes for a moment, and let things shift back:

• This dreadful room that made no attempt to be anything but a medical establishment is unexpectedly peaceful.
• The frightening drugs are not as scary with my loved one always next to me.
• The needles, syringes, and IV blur into the background as my nurse waits on me. No matter how many other people she is dealing with at the same time, she always makes me feel special.
• And the patients. We hardly exchange words, we know how much the other suffers. But underneath it all there is an unspoken affection that makes us acknowledge one another, if only by an exchange of smiles.
  

Almost as soon as I hated my doctor, I loved him again. He is given the difficult task of seeing me all the way through the treatment, even though my weary eyes always beg him to stop. He possess to the objective clarity that I completely lack. This is a man that not only really wants me to get well again, but he still believes I can.

We have an agreement Him and I, we're not going to give up on each other - no matter what.

On Hold

Sound downloaded from http:/thefreesoundproject.iua.upf.edu, R09_0031 garden chimes by Monterey2000.

I Don't Smoke Anymore

I'm addicted to pain.

I don't know when it started or where it came from, I just know I have this love of suffering.

I feel at home in misery. It lures and comforts me.

It used to be a pleasure/pain addition. Dropping the pleasure was easy, but the pain - that's the difficult part.

I suppose it's a lifelong habit. My negative inner voice is strong, sure, and insisting. The emotional pull is undeniable.

I can now see my endless optimistim as a partner to disappointment and discouragement.

By day I'm all good, by night I can't wait to turn off the lights and embrace the failures.

Persistent, tenacious, ugly, destructive = Pain, misery, suffering, cancer.

I am addicted to pain. It comes around everyday with an irresistible offer.

I just say I quit last week.

And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not.

Go Right Up to the Door

Strength is not the key. I let the weakness overcome me.

Die for a day, or two or three.

I went for a walk. I can hardly find my way back.

My heart pounds surprisingly hard. No pain at all.

I see patterns when I close my eyes. Open to rock sparkles.

I'm not in control here, I'm just a passenger.

I feel tired but not from lack of rest.

I'm not afraid. He holds my hand the whole Way.