A Moment Past

I could be a patient, I know how to do that. Afterall, I spent years in practice. Now they say I'm better, maybe not perfectly well but so much more then before. Why does this cause me so much confussion?

No longer as I was, the job of just coping with the drugs and staying alive as well as I could, I feel thrust back out into everyday life, trying to catch up to what I forgot. I'm not sure I want to be here cause I don't know what I'm supposed to do, it's just all so different, the places and the people are not the same as when I last saw them.

And me, I feel this anguish, that I have been removed from my special place which was a effortless privilelge in sickness, but now I have to make much work to keep myself close to by. So I pray that I will not be away, not for one minute, cause it's out here where I need Him the most of all.

It frightens me the way the world is so empty and hostile. I look into strange eyes and I see a gray existence lined with boredom, despair, and no sign of you, Lord, except for the special ones that swim around here, at least one in every place, smiling at me as if it were You reaching out through them.

Emergency Exit

I cannot go back thru the same door I came in from.

Everyday Duality

Cancer/free of cancer?

Sick/well?

Disabled/active?

Dying /living?

Others cannot properly understand the ordeal I just faced. They offer no compensation for recovery time. I either have cancer or I don't. This is either too hard or too easy. I'm either a disaster or a miracle.

When did I stop being seen as human?

Best Offer

God is just waiting for your permission to bless you.

As a Mustard Seed

PET Scan results: No detectable signs of disease! No more cancer, no more chemo, no more fear!
Believe it!
He DOES what He says He can do! He DOES what no one else can!

Nothing is Impossible

I know in my heart, with absolute certainty, that God can heal me.

The question is will I let Him?

Yes, I WILL LET HIM.

1000 Thoughts

What if...
the results of my PET scan came out perfect, no signs of cancer seen?
That would be mirculous.

What if...
my PET scan showed some improvement, but more treatment is needed?
That would be challenging.

What if...
my PET scan showed little to no improvement, but a stable condition?
That would be disappointing.

What if...
my PET scan came out as bad as can be, the cancer has spread into my lungs, or my liver?
That would be devasting.

Mirculous, challenging, disappointing, devastating translate into
happy, frustrating, sad, and angry moment to moment feelings.

Privately I don't want to settle for any but the first one -

Only God knows where He wants me.

The Truth Hurts

If I don't ask myself why this has happened to me, then I will have learned nothing from the experience.

Seeping into the Cracks

I can feel the chemo has become a part of me.
Rather then pass through me, it has soaked into my bones.

For now it stays inside of me.

See Thru

I thought I could manage a thin covering,

but how can I search for the cracks in others when I've been stripped down to bare grain?

Sitting in the Warmth

I no longer ask why me?

You could've finished me off some years before, or certainly a few months ago, but I'm still here.

You've let me stay awhile longer. Is it to finish some thing I need to do?

I know this is where You want me, right here, right now, at this moment. Only You could've have made that decision.

How grateful am I for still being alive.

To know You this way is a miracle.

Falling Before Catching Myself

I'll cry when it's over, and not a moment before.

The Religion of Chemo

Resistence is believing that everything you know is true.

Surrender is accepting that you don't know a thing.

I was Wrong About Doctors

Sometimes I look in the mirror and see myself desparately seaching for hope,
in myself.

My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in
weakness.

Spectacular

I began to see the reality of my situation -

I'm here in body but my spirit is being called away.

For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of the glory...

Neverending

For a moment I hated my doctor today. I hated that he wouldn't tell me this was my last chemo dose, or even second to last. He told me he was encouraged, but he offered no words committing himself.

Maybe he was in a bad mood, maybe he was having an off day. Doesn't he know that I'm riding on his words, waiting for the one key sentence "You're done!"

How many longing eyes He must look into, those searching for the glimmer of hope that He bares.

Then I closed my eyes for a moment, and let things shift back:

• This dreadful room that made no attempt to be anything but a medical establishment is unexpectedly peaceful.
• The frightening drugs are not as scary with my loved one always next to me.
• The needles, syringes, and IV blur into the background as my nurse waits on me. No matter how many other people she is dealing with at the same time, she always makes me feel special.
• And the patients. We hardly exchange words, we know how much the other suffers. But underneath it all there is an unspoken affection that makes us acknowledge one another, if only by an exchange of smiles.
  

Almost as soon as I hated my doctor, I loved him again. He is given the difficult task of seeing me all the way through the treatment, even though my weary eyes always beg him to stop. He possess to the objective clarity that I completely lack. This is a man that not only really wants me to get well again, but he still believes I can.

We have an agreement Him and I, we're not going to give up on each other - no matter what.

On Hold

Sound downloaded from http:/thefreesoundproject.iua.upf.edu, R09_0031 garden chimes by Monterey2000.

I Don't Smoke Anymore

I'm addicted to pain.

I don't know when it started or where it came from, I just know I have this love of suffering.

I feel at home in misery. It lures and comforts me.

It used to be a pleasure/pain addition. Dropping the pleasure was easy, but the pain - that's the difficult part.

I suppose it's a lifelong habit. My negative inner voice is strong, sure, and insisting. The emotional pull is undeniable.

I can now see my endless optimistim as a partner to disappointment and discouragement.

By day I'm all good, by night I can't wait to turn off the lights and embrace the failures.

Persistent, tenacious, ugly, destructive = Pain, misery, suffering, cancer.

I am addicted to pain. It comes around everyday with an irresistible offer.

I just say I quit last week.

And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not.

Go Right Up to the Door

Strength is not the key. I let the weakness overcome me.

Die for a day, or two or three.

I went for a walk. I can hardly find my way back.

My heart pounds surprisingly hard. No pain at all.

I see patterns when I close my eyes. Open to rock sparkles.

I'm not in control here, I'm just a passenger.

I feel tired but not from lack of rest.

I'm not afraid. He holds my hand the whole Way.

Accidental

Denial. Some people like to throw that word around.

I wonder if it is true that I deny my cancer? If I don't sit around feeling sorry, or dwell on the unpleasantness, does that make me unable to confront my disease?

It's true I have no patience with the cancer warrior or "fighter" image. Being here is a struggle, not an honor. It doesn't help to complain about the horrors of treatment, and it doesn't make me feel tough cause I'm having to go through it.

Denial. Am I denying the face of my disease just by getting up everyday and trying to forget, to some extent, that I have cancer?

Call it denying the truth, if you want.

Tell me how to do it? We are not taught this thing. We are only told how to live. No one gave out instructions on how to be a cancer patient, or even how to die as one.

I can only focus on the glowing ember, or the ash of destruction.