Accidental

Denial. Some people like to throw that word around.

I wonder if it is true that I deny my cancer? If I don't sit around feeling sorry, or dwell on the unpleasantness, does that make me unable to confront my disease?

It's true I have no patience with the cancer warrior or "fighter" image. Being here is a struggle, not an honor. It doesn't help to complain about the horrors of treatment, and it doesn't make me feel tough cause I'm having to go through it.

Denial. Am I denying the face of my disease just by getting up everyday and trying to forget, to some extent, that I have cancer?

Call it denying the truth, if you want.

Tell me how to do it? We are not taught this thing. We are only told how to live. No one gave out instructions on how to be a cancer patient, or even how to die as one.

I can only focus on the glowing ember, or the ash of destruction.

Playing Dress Up

Sometimes I pretend to be like everyone else.

I like to talk about the lastest thing my kids are doing,
or chat about a favorite recipe.

Or maybe reveal my feelings of a troubled relationship from the past,
or bore you with my perspective on politics, people or life in general.

But it would be nice to spend a little time thinking about how its almost time to get a haircut,
or go out shopping for some new clothes without worrying about getting sick from crowd exposure.

What about wondering where I'll go on a vacation far away? And to think nothing about going on a rugged 8 mile hike through the desert mountain, that was fun, as I recall?

I'd like to be as everyone else and have full use and the appeal of a normal looking left arm/hand, but sometimes I forget that it is swollen and try and use it like its not.

If I was healthy again, I could pretend to be like everyone and think I have a future before me. Then I can plan where I'd be, what I'd be doing, and who I'd be with.

But right now I'm here in the midst of treatment, in the middle of not knowing, inbetween health and disease.

Sometimes I forget that I'm here, only to be rudely reminded to put off all decisions for now -

and perfect living for the moment, regardless of where I'm presently standing.

From the Outside-In

I hate chemo. I hate thinking about it, talking about it, hearing about it.

Some people want to talk about it all day, the challenges and unpleasantness. Maybe it makes them feel like some sort of warrior for having endured it?

I don't feel like a warrior; not brave or full of courage. I do what I have to do, thats all. I hate it, and am always scared of it. There is no hero like quality to facing cancer or its treatment. I am only here to get through it and past it.

My own survival depends on my abitlity to see beyond my cancer, my mortality, my situation, my dislikes, my fears, my challenges - EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY.

Don't admire my strength, don't pity my life, don't be glad it's not happening to you, don't wish you were here, don't stand at a distance, don't invade my space, don't run away from me.

What you know about me, you don't know. What you don't know about me, you already know.

Just talk with me, my beloved friends.

And he said unto him, if they hear not Moses and the prophets, neither
will they be persuaded, though one rose from the dead.