Falling off the Fence

The scales have tipped. The cancer has taken over. It has succeeded in spreading all over the bones in my body.

If the cancer is me, then I am killing myself slowly and painfully.

I can no longer handle this on my own. It is not going to go away because I change my diet, or heal painful memories, or will it away.

I am no longer thinking of full recovery, I am now in survival mode.

There is nothing I can do on my own to make it disappear. I need outside help.

To think my body is capable of producing such destruction on its own is hard to grasp. What's more difficult is trying to figure out why.

It is a short leap to fall into a desperate state of feeling out of control and full of fear. Somehow I haven't completely submerged into that murky area.

It is a fine, delicate line to not resist what is happening to me and trust I am in His hands. Only my faith keeps me a float.

Double-edge Latte

My oncologist wants to kill a part of me, the cancer part.

I wonder what part of me that will kill. Will it be my thoughtful moments, or my angry rage? Will I be a better person when that bad part of me is gone?

I never thought cancer was really about cancer. I know it's more then that, it's about me.

So how can I agree to kill a part of me. There is a part of me that wants to protect myself, is that not normal? Yet here I have to agree to be poisoned, in order to protect myself?

Do I love my cancer if I sometimes want to nurture it, the cancer, which is actually me? They are my self-initiated malignant cells, after all.

Can I be sort of proud of their (my) tenacity, endurance and proliferation? I almost want to root for them.

But then why am I killing them, if they are a part of me.

They are killing me and I am killing them, which is me.

White Noise

Tomorrow I will go into my oncologist's office to see if the cancer has spread any where else beside my skull.

I am neither anxious to know nor dreading to hear if it did, or not.

There is some sort of neutral zone I seem to linger in, which I actully like very much. It is a special place for which I feel fortunate to experience. It's the white area, where no matter what they tell you, it's going to be okay.

There is so many steps to bad news. At times I think I have experienced the worst. Yet I alway get to the other side of it. It doesn't stay bad for long.

This is not a conscious effort, but it happens that way. All I have to do is let it go.