Tuesday, June 16, 2009

for a moment, i stopped wanting to be somebody

It had to happen sooner or later. I knew I’d make a mistake at some point. This was a big enough mess up to be noticeable. It was all because I didn’t go to bed early enough. I just couldn’t stay focused and retain the liturgical reading well, despite having practiced a bit the day before and that morning.

Funny thing though, I’m actually happy I screwed up. I mean, yea, I’m sort of embarrassed and wished it didn’t happen, but it’s also a relief too. I was especially glad right afterwards, like I was thanking God and wanted to smile.

While I was wondering how many people noticed, and what the may have thought, I felt like I was finally removed from the pride of being a lector. Now I really can’t take credit when people say I read so well. My record has been marked. Only the Lord can deliver these readings through me, as long as I don’t get in the way. Since I made a bad enough mistake, my ego has been beat down. Finally there is more room for the Lord to work in me, once again.

We have to be pushed to our limit, and beyond, before we can grow in spirit. My idea of what I am capable of is so much less then what God sees in me.

While I was watching the Preparation of Gifts, basking in the joy of my error, I wondered why some people get cancer, and why some survive and some don’t. I know of my own lack of trust in my recovery.

Then I heard an inspired thought, as if to suggest some don’t recover because they don’t change their ways. Is that why I’m still alive? I have definitely changed my ways, quite dramatically and unquestionably. So much that I at times feel as if I betrayed those that have known me for a long time since I am not really the same person. It’s as if I left them, and not just them, but my old self. And I haven’t even completed the process; I’m still leaving myself, a little more every day. ©

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